If I Rewrote the Holiday Classics













by David Edward Sims


Part I — The Christmas Carol: Marley’s Ghost

As Scrooge’s eyes adjusted to awakening, a stately figure, a handsome man with a full head of dramatic dreads emerged from the mists that had somehow appeared in his room. “No! No! No!” Scrooge exclaimed with consternation. “It’s JACOB Marley, not BOB Marley!”


Part II — The Christmas Carol Meets the Addams Family

“Be a dear, Tiny Tim, and go to the pen and fetch our fattest goose, for it is time to prepare our Christmas feast!”

I will, Mother.”

(A few minutes later…) “Here we are, dear Mother! My, how he flaps his powerful wings!”

“Now, Tiny Tim, sweet child, help Mother stretch the goose’s neck across this chopping block. You hold his head still while I get the cleaver, and…”


(A few seconds later…) “My word, Mother, it certainly does make for a lot of blood, doesn’t it?”


Part IIIThe Night Before Christmas/Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Santa stood heroically on the rooftop, the snowstorm swirling around his cardinal-red roundness, and called out his reindeer by name: “On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer, and Vixen! On Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen!“

(Pause) “Now, where’s Rudolph? And while we’re at it, where’s Vixen?”

Comet raised his head, and with one eyebrow raised, drolly enquired, “Uh, don’t you think you just answered your own question, Boss?”

2016, David Edward Sims